There’s nothing like the holidays to bring families together -- and to drive couples apart. Because while delicious food and awesome gifts may seem like real romance-boosters, being squeezed into a house with parents, nephews and cousins you didn’t even know you had definitely isn’t. If you’re shacking up in the guest room, chances are you and your partner aren’t exactly having the best sex ever...until now. Follow these tips and relieve some of that holiday stress the way nature intended.
If you think the middle of the night is the best time to get it on, you’re wrong -- it’s the one time when you can besure every single visiting family member is within earshot (and not all of them are sound sleepers). Instead of waiting for bedtime to head to bed, fake sick and opt out of brunch or a family shopping trip. Then enjoy having the whole place to yourselves.
Even if you’re sure the whole crew is at the local Chinese food buffet, add some extra security to sexy time by locking your door and drawing the blinds. Nosey neighbors can and will gossip about your afternoon delights, so don’t give them anything to talk about.
You may be able to pass off your sex hair as bedhead, but there’s no explaining away an entire shelf of shattered snowglobes or broken Precious Moments figurines. If the room is chock full of chotchkies, make sure you don’t bang them right off of the nightstand -- place them securely on the carpet in your closet before you go at it.
Though it may not seem like the comfiest option, trust us -- the floor is the best locale for your lovemaking. There’s no risk of squeaky springs or creaking furniture, and even if you get extra rambunctious, you won’t break anything. Plus, the solid surface provides extra stability and can allow for even more intense thrusting (not a bad bonus if you ask us).
Let’s face it: no matter how quiet you try to be, one or two moans of pleasure are likely to occur. Mask them with some T.V. chatter. Just don’t put on Maury and get distracted by waiting for paternity results. Stick to something boring that’s easy to ignore so you can focus on your partner instead.
If you plan on using personal lube to make alone time even more arousing, be sure to pack a water-based lubricant. When it comes to sex lube, water-based formulas like Astroglide Natural are the perfect choice for secret rendezvous-- they absorb back into the skin after use and allow for super easy cleanup.
There’s no need to steam clean the curtains after you get it on, but you will want to check any surfaces you got busy on for stains. Washing every sheet on your bed three times in a single week may draw some unwanted attention, so carry a Tide to Go pen instead. Use it to touch up any small stains that might give away your antics.
Like it or not, some of the evidence you leave behind might be of an olfactory nature. But again, spraying Febreze constantly may make you a bit suspicious to nosey aunts. Instead, simply spritz your perfume or hairspray in your room after sex -- that way family members will think you were getting gussied up instead of caressed down.
Place things like used condoms and wrappers inside a ziplock bag, stow them in your purse, and dump them in the sanitary disposal bin in the bathroom of a restaurant or mall you visit. Otherwise, you risk giving old Uncle Marty a heart attack on garbage night.
Remember, if you simply can’t get your family to leave you alone for more than five minutes, you can always escape to a motel for a single night -- or afternoon. Holiday stress is serious, and sometimes you’ve just got to do what you’ve got to do!
Do you have an embarrassing story about a time you tried to have guest room sex and failed miserably? Did your little cousin ask you what personal lube was at the Thanksgiving table? Did your great great aunt walk in on a heated session of BDSM? The holidays are all about sharing -- dish the dirt by tweeting us @Astroglide!
Images are for illustrative purposes only.